(audience applauds) (laughs) – See, we talk about men, and men, as men, we know we bring a certain amount of problems to the relationship, but we’re not gonna sit here and blame everything that’s wrong in your relationship on the man, ’cause see, everything that’s wrong (audience applauds) ain’t our fault. See, all that little cackling, laughing, we’ve been hearing a minute ago, fellas? I’m fixin’ to shut that down. (audience laughs) I’m back with you now, dawg. (imitates dog barking) (men in audience imitate dogs barking) See, when it comes to putting that spark back in your relationship, a lot of you ladies are disappointed in your man, because you think the spark in your relationship is gone. Your love business in your bedroom ain’t what it used to be, and you think it’s ’cause he done slipped in his department, but no, no, see, let me straighten you out a little bit. (audience laughs) See, when it comes to being sexy, women, you have us beat hands down. There is no contest.
You are the sexier being, and some y’all just, sometimes when you pull the sheets back, and you’re just laying there and the skin and them circles and, look, look, look. (audience laughs) (screams) Sorry about that. Lost myself for a minute. (audience laughs) See, but when it comes to being sexy, you all got us beat. See, you all can wear things to bed that are far sexier than we could ever do. See, if you want that spark back, sometimes you got to start putting it back in there yourself.
It ain’t a whole lot we can come to bed in. Y’all got all kinds of stuff, and y’all can go to Victoria’s Secret and the mall. You’ve got whole departments with lingerie in it. There’s a couple things you can wear to bed that just instantly put the spark back in there, like a G-string. (audience laughs) I’m trying to tell you.
Ladies, there’s something in us, when we see a string (audience laughs) go down the crack of your (bleep). Oh, (bleep)! I don’t give a damn how big your (bleep) is!
I don’t give a damn if when the string go down there, we don’t see it no more! (audience laughs) I don’t care if your (bleep) swallowed that string up like it’s lunch, as long as we know it went down in there and come up in the front. Oh, it’s gonna be some hell up in here this evening. So I’ll tell you what I know.
But see, a lot of you women out there that quit doing that, ’cause you been with your man for a while, and you done forgot the old saying that the same thing it took to get your baby hooked, it’s gonna take the same thing to keep him. (audience applauds) Oh, when you first met him, oh, you did it all. Candles all up around the bathtub. Little sexy robe with his initial on it. Little spray all over the house.
Come in, just he don’t know where to start. (audience laughs) Yeah, but now, what in the (bleep) do some of y’all wear to bed now? (audience laughs) ‘Cause some of y’all come to bed looking like anything. Some of y’all come to bed dressed like your ass is going hunting. (audience laughs) Thick-ass socks, big baggy-ass sweatpants, big old T-shirt with a knot tied in the front, camouflage jacket. All you need is a skillet and a canteen. (audience laughs) We could pitch a tent in this fucker! (audience laughs) Let me ask you something.
What the hell is bloomers? Where did you find a pair of drawers so big that they come all up over your stomach right up under your (bleep)? Where did you find them big (bleep) drawers at? (audience laughs) Some of your men ain’t seen your navel in seven years! (audience laughs) You knew them drawers was too big when you hung them on the clothesline last week and you looked outside, and the little boy next door had climbed up in ’em, (audience cheering) and was outside swingin’ in your drawers. And what about that pair of underwear that you wear during that special time of the month? Where did you get that raggedy (bleep) pair of drawers at?
Elastic poppin’ all loose at the top. It ain’t tight around the thighs no more. You got 40,000 lint balls all on ’em, look like you ought to take a big shaver and razor shave that (bleep) off. Coming to bed looking like you got a bathroom rug wrapped around your (bleep)! (audience laughs) Now you’re laying in bed talking about, “Why don’t you hold me?” (audience laughs) ‘Cause your (bleep) is itchy, that’s why! You feel like a Red Cross blanket! (audience laughs) What about them house shoes you’ve been wearing ever since you met his (bleep)?
Used to be all fluffy and pink, now you done wasted chicken grease on ’em. Syrup all on the shoe. Now your country (bleep) done took ’em to the shop and had tacks put on ’em. Now you’re walking around the trailer. (imitates metal clanging) And what that nasty (bleep) rag you wrap on your head every night? (audience laughs) When you gonna wash that nasty (bleep) rag? Coming to bed smelling like Glovers Mane, and Silver Eight.
I’m Steve Harvey, y’all. (audience cheering) Thank you very much. I love you.