Geoffrey here. If you’re currently in the process of trying to rebuild your relationship and trying to win your partner back, for example, you will heard of this concept of bettering yourself, that a lot of coaches talk about, well, in this post, I’m going to show you what it actually means to better yourself in a way that matters in a way that will impact her emotions in a deep level. So that she’ll voluntarily want to come back to you when a work on the relationship or whatever outcome it is that you looking for in your relationship, and be sure to still do the end, because this is something that people often misinterpret and get wrong.
And because they get it wrong, you know, they can spend all this time trying to better themselves and convince their partner. They’re trying to better themselves, but nothing actually works. But once you understand this, this is going to be a massive game changer for you as it was for me and a lot of my clients as well [inaudible] and in case we haven’t met, my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or marriages to put the right skills and the right mindsets to be able to design this thriving relationship for themselves. So if you want more content that can empower you in your marriage and your longterm relationship, be sure to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well, to be notified when I post new posts three times every single week.
Now, real quick, before we begin this post, I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free master class on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. So if you’re interested in masterclass, be sure to stick around until the end of this post for the announcement and how you can get it on that masterclass. So to begin this discussion, I’m going to let you understand the difference between process over product. So did you talk to a lot of people who are trying to better themselves?
What they’re often doing is trying to focus on this product. They’re trying to convince their partner that basically they already have whatever their partner is looking for. And they think that in order for the relationship to be fixed, they need to have focused on all these products and show their partner that whatever they’re looking for, they already have it. Whether that’s being a better communicator, being less controlling, being this higher value, man, whatever it is they think they need to do, they feel like they have to accomplish this product, have this finished product before anything can happen, but understand that this is actually not what she’s looking for. What she’s looking for is not the end product, the finished product that you think she’s looking for, what she’s looking for instead of the process.
So to understand this a bit better, I want to bring the concept of you know, that when you’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, you cannot simply tell your pointer for example, that she should feel hopeful that, um, the future of the relationship is bright and that there’s a hope for the future. You cannot simply tell your partner that you have changed, right? You cannot simply tell your partner that you are not controlling anymore, or that you’re a better communicator now, because all those appeals that you just made are appealing to her logical side of the brain. But people, especially in relationships do not make decisions via their logic.
They make decisions via their emotions. So whatever appeals you need to make here needs to appeal to the emotional side of your partner. So whenever you tell her these, tell her that, Hey, I have the product you’re only reaching that logical feather brain and never reaching that emotional side of that brain. And so if you’re trying to do this, if you’re trying to focus on this product and convincing your partner, that you have this product, then whatever you do will not really work. And you’re going to get really frustrated when it doesn’t work, because you’re appealing to the wrong size of the brain here.
So we’ve talked about, we know what product actually is. The product is actually that finished product of you, let’s say becoming a better communicator, becoming less emotional, becoming less angry. For example, that’s the finished product. But what you need to understand here is that what she’s looking for is not really product, but really the process, right?
And so this is something, this is a very, a nuance topic that takes my students a long time to understand. So 200 to give you some clarity here. I want to talk to you about something called the change paradox here. So I’m going to give you three examples.
And I think a lot of you can relate to this example as well. So the first one is, let’s say your partner tells you that you’ve been a very controlling person and the reason why she has no hope in the relationship or that she doesn’t want to work on the relationship right now is that she feels that you are always trying to control her, trying to control her, what she feels, trying to manipulate her into feeling a certain way and never really accepting what she feels today. And let’s say that one day, she expresses this to you. She tells you, I feel like you’re trying to control me. I feel like you’re trying to do all these things to manipulate my feelings and so on.
And if you’re focused on a product here, what you’ll do is you’ll try to justify yourself and you’re telling your partner basically, Hey, here’s all the reasons why you’re wrong. Why I haven’t actually been controlling? Why I wasn’t actually trying to manipulate you and you shouldn’t feel the way you’re feeling. You’re trying to convince your partner here. Basically that the product that you’re looking for, which is me not being controlling is already there.
If you simply choose to see it, but notice the paradox here, notice a change paradox here, and that your partner is telling you that she feels controlled and manipulated, and you’re trying to control and manipulate her by making your statements into not feeling controlled or manipulated. See the paradox here by you simply interjecting with your statements and telling her that she’s wrong for feeling controlled and manipulated. You are by definition controlling and manipulating her. So while logically you are saying that you’re not controlling and manipulating her emotionally, she’s feeling controlled and manipulated. Another example of this is when your partner tells you for example, that she doesn’t feel safe, that emotional safety is broken and she can’t really express things to you anymore.
And so, you know, whenever you chat, you ask a question, she would shut down on you. She would tell you for example, I don’t know, uh, I don’t know what to feel. I really, really don’t want to talk about it. That’s her shutting down because she doesn’t feel safe, expressing things to you. Well, if you’re focusing on a product here, what you’ll do is you will interject that by saying, Hey, here’s all the reasons why you should actually feel safe to talk to me.
You know, if you don’t talk to me, we can never really resolve our differences. We can never really fix our issues and you can never feel safe in that case. So you’re trying to all these logical arguments to try to convince your partner here.
It is safe to talk to you that you will listen, that you can understand and so on. But notice the paradox here again, that when she expresses that she doesn’t know, she doesn’t want to talk to you about something. That’s her true, genuine expressions. And instead of being acknowledged and being listened to and being accepted, you are totally countering that and not acknowledging that at all. And countering with your own ideas and telling her, this is why you shouldn’t feel the way you’re feeling.
And so, again, logically, you’re trying to tell her, you can feel safe, but by the act of trying to shove, basically the product down her throat, you are going to destroy that safety in the process. So while logically, you might be thinking that you’re trying to create safety. Emotionally, her safety is going away, and this paradox only exists in the two examples that I gave you, but it exists every single time. You’re so focused on that product and trying to convince her upon her, that you already have the products that she’s already looking for. Every time you’re trying to convince her of that product.
You are going to fall into this trap of this change paradox, where logically, you might be saying all the right things, but emotionally is creating the exact opposite effect in your Potter and actually pushing them further away from you over time. So a lot of men, for example, who are focused on that product, what they covet most of all is that win-win solution together. That solution that will, they can state. And they can say, okay, once we get to the solution, we are good to go. And if they can arrive at a solution in a faster way than even better, the conversation was even more effective.
And they think that they just can find enough win-win solutions that they can eventually convince their partner logically that they should come back. They should stop wanting to divorce and want to work in the relationship again. But like we talked about all these efforts to find that women’s solution to focusing on a product is only going to appeal to the logical side of her brain and never to the emotional side.
And in fact, it might actually create the opposite effect on the emotional side of things. So in this process, understand that the win win solution here is the product that we don’t want to focus on. But if you step back here to understand, okay, what is the process that leads to the product to the win win solution is always the same. It’s always understanding, understanding when you can understand the problem, when you can understand the needs and wants and the issues to the core, then the outcome or the product will naturally come. But in order for you to get to the product, you need to focus on what that process looks like.
Geoffrey here. If you’re currently in the process of trying to rebuild your relationship and trying to win your partner back, for example, you will heard of this concept of bettering yourself, that a lot of coaches talk about, well, in this post, I’m going to show you what it actually means to better yourself in a way that matters in a way that will impact her emotions in a deep level. So that she’ll voluntarily want to come back to you when a work on the relationship or whatever outcome it is that you looking for in your relationship, and be sure to still do the end, because this is something that people often misinterpret and get wrong.
And because they get it wrong, you know, they can spend all this time trying to better themselves and convince their partner. They’re trying to better themselves, but nothing actually works. But once you understand this, this is going to be a massive game changer for you as it was for me and a lot of my clients as well [inaudible] and in case we haven’t met, my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or marriages to put the right skills and the right mindsets to be able to design this thriving relationship for themselves. So if you want more content that can empower you in your marriage and your longterm relationship, be sure to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well, to be notified when I post new posts three times every single week.
Now, real quick, before we begin this post, I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free master class on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. So if you’re interested in masterclass, be sure to stick around until the end of this post for the announcement and how you can get it on that masterclass. So to begin this discussion, I’m going to let you understand the difference between process over product. So did you talk to a lot of people who are trying to better themselves?
What they’re often doing is trying to focus on this product. They’re trying to convince their partner that basically they already have whatever their partner is looking for. And they think that in order for the relationship to be fixed, they need to have focused on all these products and show their partner that whatever they’re looking for, they already have it. Whether that’s being a better communicator, being less controlling, being this higher value, man, whatever it is they think they need to do, they feel like they have to accomplish this product, have this finished product before anything can happen, but understand that this is actually not what she’s looking for. What she’s looking for is not the end product, the finished product that you think she’s looking for, what she’s looking for instead of the process.
So to understand this a bit better, I want to bring the concept of you know, that when you’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, you cannot simply tell your pointer for example, that she should feel hopeful that, um, the future of the relationship is bright and that there’s a hope for the future. You cannot simply tell your partner that you have changed, right? You cannot simply tell your partner that you are not controlling anymore, or that you’re a better communicator now, because all those appeals that you just made are appealing to her logical side of the brain. But people, especially in relationships do not make decisions via their logic.
They make decisions via their emotions. So whatever appeals you need to make here needs to appeal to the emotional side of your partner. So whenever you tell her these, tell her that, Hey, I have the product you’re only reaching that logical feather brain and never reaching that emotional side of that brain. And so if you’re trying to do this, if you’re trying to focus on this product and convincing your partner, that you have this product, then whatever you do will not really work. And you’re going to get really frustrated when it doesn’t work, because you’re appealing to the wrong size of the brain here.
So we’ve talked about, we know what product actually is. The product is actually that finished product of you, let’s say becoming a better communicator, becoming less emotional, becoming less angry. For example, that’s the finished product. But what you need to understand here is that what she’s looking for is not really product, but really the process, right?
And so this is something, this is a very, a nuance topic that takes my students a long time to understand. So 200 to give you some clarity here. I want to talk to you about something called the change paradox here. So I’m going to give you three examples.
And I think a lot of you can relate to this example as well. So the first one is, let’s say your partner tells you that you’ve been a very controlling person and the reason why she has no hope in the relationship or that she doesn’t want to work on the relationship right now is that she feels that you are always trying to control her, trying to control her, what she feels, trying to manipulate her into feeling a certain way and never really accepting what she feels today. And let’s say that one day, she expresses this to you. She tells you, I feel like you’re trying to control me. I feel like you’re trying to do all these things to manipulate my feelings and so on.
And if you’re focused on a product here, what you’ll do is you’ll try to justify yourself and you’re telling your partner basically, Hey, here’s all the reasons why you’re wrong. Why I haven’t actually been controlling? Why I wasn’t actually trying to manipulate you and you shouldn’t feel the way you’re feeling. You’re trying to convince your partner here. Basically that the product that you’re looking for, which is me not being controlling is already there.
If you simply choose to see it, but notice the paradox here, notice a change paradox here, and that your partner is telling you that she feels controlled and manipulated, and you’re trying to control and manipulate her by making your statements into not feeling controlled or manipulated. See the paradox here by you simply interjecting with your statements and telling her that she’s wrong for feeling controlled and manipulated. You are by definition controlling and manipulating her. So while logically you are saying that you’re not controlling and manipulating her emotionally, she’s feeling controlled and manipulated. Another example of this is when your partner tells you for example, that she doesn’t feel safe, that emotional safety is broken and she can’t really express things to you anymore.
And so, you know, whenever you chat, you ask a question, she would shut down on you. She would tell you for example, I don’t know, uh, I don’t know what to feel. I really, really don’t want to talk about it. That’s her shutting down because she doesn’t feel safe, expressing things to you. Well, if you’re focusing on a product here, what you’ll do is you will interject that by saying, Hey, here’s all the reasons why you should actually feel safe to talk to me.
You know, if you don’t talk to me, we can never really resolve our differences. We can never really fix our issues and you can never feel safe in that case. So you’re trying to all these logical arguments to try to convince your partner here.
It is safe to talk to you that you will listen, that you can understand and so on. But notice the paradox here again, that when she expresses that she doesn’t know, she doesn’t want to talk to you about something. That’s her true, genuine expressions. And instead of being acknowledged and being listened to and being accepted, you are totally countering that and not acknowledging that at all. And countering with your own ideas and telling her, this is why you shouldn’t feel the way you’re feeling.
And so, again, logically, you’re trying to tell her, you can feel safe, but by the act of trying to shove, basically the product down her throat, you are going to destroy that safety in the process. So while logically, you might be thinking that you’re trying to create safety. Emotionally, her safety is going away, and this paradox only exists in the two examples that I gave you, but it exists every single time. You’re so focused on that product and trying to convince her upon her, that you already have the products that she’s already looking for. Every time you’re trying to convince her of that product.
You are going to fall into this trap of this change paradox, where logically, you might be saying all the right things, but emotionally is creating the exact opposite effect in your Potter and actually pushing them further away from you over time. So a lot of men, for example, who are focused on that product, what they covet most of all is that win-win solution together. That solution that will, they can state. And they can say, okay, once we get to the solution, we are good to go. And if they can arrive at a solution in a faster way than even better, the conversation was even more effective.
And they think that they just can find enough win-win solutions that they can eventually convince their partner logically that they should come back. They should stop wanting to divorce and want to work in the relationship again. But like we talked about all these efforts to find that women’s solution to focusing on a product is only going to appeal to the logical side of her brain and never to the emotional side.
And in fact, it might actually create the opposite effect on the emotional side of things. So in this process, understand that the win win solution here is the product that we don’t want to focus on. But if you step back here to understand, okay, what is the process that leads to the product to the win win solution is always the same. It’s always understanding, understanding when you can understand the problem, when you can understand the needs and wants and the issues to the core, then the outcome or the product will naturally come. But in order for you to get to the product, you need to focus on what that process looks like.
And so what does that process look like? This process always comes in four stages. One is acknowledgement.
The second is discovery. Third is alignment. And then fourth is suggestion. And as long as you follow this process here, you can always find that win-win product. And so what do we mean by these four steps?
So the first part here is simply acknowledgement. So the first thing you need to understand here is that whatever your partner is expressing, the first step you need to do is to simply acknowledge that it is there. So your partner is telling you for example, that you are being controlling, that you have emotional, that you’re trying to be manipulative, that she doesn’t feel any hope that she doesn’t know what to even start with your relationship. Simply acknowledge that. Simply tell her, okay, I understand.
That’s how you feel. I understand you want a divorce. I understand you want a separation. I get that.
That’s the acknowledgement part. And after acknowledgement, what you’re trying to do here is to dig deeper and discover. So when you’re discovering, you have to ask open ended questions. So one thing you can say for example, is to repeat or paraphrase and clarify method that I often teach my students is whatever she’s feeling acknowledged that, you know, repeat and paraphrase, whatever you just acknowledged.
So for example, okay, I understand you want a divorce. I understand you don’t have any hope for this relationship. I understand you think I’m controlling.
Can you clarify that? Can you tell me more about that? Can you say more about that?
So you’re repeating and paraphrasing that state of mind where you are today, where are you guys are at today and then asking your partner to clarify that. And the third stage here is alignment. That is when you can say in your mind, if I was you wifey, I would have thought and done exactly the same thing as you.
And that is where you’re completely aligned in a sense of you are completely in understanding of where she’s coming from and where you’re coming from her. And you’re aligned on both point of views. And you’re going to keep being in this discovery phase until you can say that statement generally within yourself and after you discover and get to the alignment stage, share where your reach is a point where your suggestions can seem very powerful.
It can seem very pointed and can be very effective here. And this suggestion part is really when you’re focusing on that final product, when you’re finding that win-win solution. And if you look at this, what’s funny is that, you know, if you simply don’t focus on that win-win solution, that final product and let these three processes the part where you are acknowledging, we are digging deeper and getting some alignment there.
If you just focus on those processes, notice how the product will naturally come by itself without you needing to focus or shove the product down her throat. And you didn’t even have to say anything here, but by simply you acknowledging, discovering and getting alignment. And that is really the process, the three step process. And that’s the part that she really cares about not the product, because she understands that without this process of you acknowledging, discovering, and getting alignment, there is no way that you can come to women solution.
There’s no way that anything you say will make sense to be relevant or be based on the fact that you understand the problem in a proper way, but she knows deep down that if you can simply master that process of understanding, then the women solutions will come by itself. So going back to our main question here, what does it mean to actually better yourself? What I can tell you that it’s not to portray yourself as this high value, man, as genius, who can come to all the women solutions who are, you know, put up at this perfect person is none of that is none of this product stuff is all about your ability to show her. The process is your ability to acknowledge, to dig deeper, to understand, and to gain alignment, the deep alignment within the two of you. And to show her that you’re not someone who can find the women solutions by herself, but that you are someone that she can work with to find audit women solutions together and build a good relationship together, right?
Once she can feel that you are a partner in crime, that she can work with you because you can understand, you can dig deeper and you can discover then, you know, whatever problems you have in your relationship. She knows that those problems will be fixable, that there can be reconciled because you understand the process of getting to the outcome. She knows that when you can master the process of understanding the outcome will naturally come. So if you understand this concept of the importance of process, mastering the process and showing her the process, rather than showing her the outcome, you can understand that there are a few key skills that you must master here. The first is your ability to wear this Bulletproof vest for yourself.
So that whenever she expresses something to you, your first instinct is not to judge it. It’s not to deem it wrong is not to correct it, but to simply acknowledge it and acknowledge it in a very poised, in a very calm way there. And there’s so many nuances to this that cannot be addressed in just this one YouTube post, but I’ll show you some resources at the end of this post that can help you find some clarity here. And the second skill that you need to learn is your ability to understand how to lead and guide conversations so that you can discover deeper and deeper parts of herself. And this is a very, very challenging part to a lot of people, because you want your questions to seem genuine.
You want your questions to seem like it’s not interrogated, and you’re simply coming from a place of discovery here. So that’s the other skill you need to learn is understanding how to ask questions and leading conversations with your questions. And the third skill you need to learn is your ability to find some alignment is to dig deep enough and to have enough compassion in enough mindset shift in paradigm shifts in the way you operate in the way you think so that you can come to a place where you can say, okay, if I was you partner, I would have done and thought and said exactly the same thing as you. And the last skill you need to learn is your ability to come to that win-win solution in a very artful way, not by making statements, but by asking questions.
So when it comes to bettering yourself here, it’s really not about how much money you have, how much success you have, how much of a high value man you can portray yourself to be. It’s really about these three skills. And underneath these three skills are all the mindset shifts, all the technique, mastery, all the skill master. You need to be able to master these three skills perfectly.
Because again, she knows that if you master these three skills and you can show her by the act of following the process and acting out the process, she will feel deep down that whatever issues you have in your relationship that can be solvable. That can be reconcilable because my partner is someone who can stay calm. We can stay poised.
We can discover like a great executive, a great boardroom executive can discover multiple perspective, understand multiple perspectives and can come to win solution in a very artful and expert way because he understands the process. You’ve cause he understands the point of view from all sides. And this is also when you can start to convince her in a very emotional level, that there is hope in a relationship that there is a future between the two of you, that you are capable of change. And you can convince her of this emotionally.
Not because you’re telling her that you can change, but simply because you’re playing out the processes to show that if you can master the process, then the product will naturally come. And so I hope that brought you a lot of clarity. And I know that was a very nuanced topic, a very difficult topic for me to convey. And honestly, there’s so much more to this than can be conveyed in just one YouTube post.
And so if you want to learn the skills and get a better idea here, what it means to actually better yourself in a way that actually affects her, influences their emotional level, not on a logical level, then you want to join me in my free masterclass on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up in this masterclass. I’ll not only show you the exact process and the exact mindset shifts and the exact techniques that all my students have used going from a point of a brink of a divorce, to a place where the relationship can really, really thrive and get you more clarity around what this process actually looks like. So that you can start to emotionally convince your partner, that there is a future that you can change that the past doesn’t equal the future.
So if this master class sounds interesting to you, then you want to click the link above my head or in the comments below in the description box below this post as well. And if you’re looking for a free guide that can allow you to lead a conversation in a way that can let you respect and master that process where a win win solution comes much more easily and where, you know, escalations to argument has never ever happened. Then you want to download the free guide above my head, also in the comments below and inscription box below this post as well. And if you want a community where you can post your questions and engage with the community to get support in whatever difficult situation you’re in right now, then you might also want to join my free Facebook group in the link below this post as well.
In the meantime, leave a comment below and what’d you find most insightful and most eyeopening in this post. I would love to hear your thoughts here. And if you liked this post, then give it a like, and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one.
In the meantime, I do want you to watch this two other posts that can empower you with the right skills and knowledge, to be able to design a thriving relationship for yourself. But for now, I’ll see you in the next post.