(Music) (Music) In this post, I’m going to talk to you about if no contact will work if you’ve been in a short-term relationship that has recently ended. Take a second and click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to your situation and that includes breakups, marriage, relationship dynamics and attraction. So, a lot of my calls are from people who have been in what we would call short term relationships.
Usually that would be something like six months or less, and they wonder if there’s been enough time invested by each party in the relationship in order for no contact to work, and so, the real question is, will your absence be felt enough for no contact to work. As far as getting this other person to see your absence, to take note of it, to decide they don’t want it that they want you in their lives and basically if cold turkey will cause them to miss you. By cold turkey, I mean stopping contact completely right away instead of gradually and slowly weaning yourselves off, of contact. The short answer is yes, the no contact can work with short-term relationships.
The real key here is not necessarily the time that the relationship lasted, or the time that has passed so far while you two have been in the relationship together, but how the other person felt about you, how they felt about the future with you in it, and how they felt about the moments with you. What’s also included in there is the speed in which the relationship moved, and that’s not necessarily the way in which you’re thinking. Sometimes, if the relationship moved too quickly, it can have a negative effect. However, sometimes if it moved too quickly, it can have a positive effect, and let me explain that just for a minute.
So, sometime if the relationship moved too quickly and by too quickly, I mean it was artificial, that you were saying things to them because you wanted it to be true. Because you really liked the idea of these things being true as far as I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’ve never felt this way before. Saying those kinds of things sometimes, we want to say them. We want to have that feeling, we like the idea of that feeling and so people say it too soon, before it has actually happened, and that can be a negative thing. Especially if the other person feels that, it’s too soon, even if they go along with it.
Sometimes they can look back and say I said this too soon. The other person said this too soon and so, it feels artificial, and a lot of times, even if there’s a good relationship there and there’s just some artificial things in there. Some artificial emotions have been expressed or they have happened so quickly that they seem artificial.
Even if there’s a good relationship amongst that and there certainly can be, but that can cause the other person to feel that it’s not real, and that’s often times, the reason for a short-term relationship to breakup. Is that one person feels it’s not real, that it’s just artificial, that the other person is even maybe fake and acting a little bit and in love with the idea of being in love and not the person. So, that’s why there are dangers in saying I love you too soon.
You know if this is your second or third date, don’t say I love you. Even if you feel it, feel it for a time before you say it. And then it shouldn’t just be something that, you jump into and say it all over a sudden now, every phone call, every text, every day ends with an I love you.
That takes times that should take time to develop as well in a natural relationship. You can feel it without saying it and you should because you want to make sure that feeling lasts. That it’s not just a temporary emotion but that it’s actually a feeling that is connected to a decision and to commitment, and to knowing, and to time. Because time creates a lot of attachment, which brings me back to short-term relationships and no contact. Now, if the relationship moved quickly for both people, and even if there were some artificial premature things that have been said, they can be helpful because that usually means there’s a lot of intensity and so the person can be affected by no contact because that intensity is not there anymore.
That passion is not here anymore, and so, that’s kind of the best case scenario is that in a short-time relationship, if things were beyond the time as far as the strength, the depth of the relationship. Then obviously, that’s a good thing. The big key here is, was the relationship itself enough that the other person can be affected? Because if the idea that you will not contact them that maybe they have lost you by breaking up with you and that you were moving on affects them enough. Then yes, no contact can be effective in a short-term relationship, and that assumes of course that you do the right things.
Sometimes you’re not gonna do them right away because you don’t know. Maybe you’re just now finding some of my content here on YouTube, or maybe you’re just now finding my website MyExBackCoach.com and my emergency breakup kit that’s at myexbackcoach.com and there’s a link to that in the description below this post. If you’ve just found that, and found this content, then maybe you’re just now realizing that you shouldn’t have begged and pleaded after the breakup. That you shouldn’t have as one person said I thought that texting them every day have a good day, I love you, was a way to keep them remembering me, and to keep myself in front of them.
So that they would want to get back together, but the opposite is true because in order for them to want you back, they have to feel that they’ve lost you in the first place, and usually the person who does the dumping, does not feel loss. They feel control and that’s very important because human beings will fight 10 times as hard to get back what they feel they have lost. We will go after something if we feel like we had it and then we lost it. We will go back after it to reclaim it. That is so key as far as knowing this bit of human behavior.
So, they have to feel and by they, I mean the person who broke up with you has to feel the loss and your answer is in that. If the relationship was enough, that they will feel loss from it when you don’t chase, when you give them the breakup instead of begging and pleading and contacting them and fighting for the relationship. If they can feel loss from it, then yes, no contact can work and I am more surprised when it doesn’t work.
So, that’s the real question. It’s not whether the relationship was three months or three years. It’s will the other person feel the loss if you back away? The only way to know that is to back away and at that point too if they can look into the future as best as they can see it, as best they can project it, and think toward the future. If they can look into the future and see that, they would like for you to be in it.
Even if there were some difficulties in the relationship and it was short-term, that’s a positive as well. Now, one caveat to this is that, you don’t have as long in no contact and yes, I know there are coaches out there who say that no contact is permanent. But that’s not practical, because there are hurdles to the other person reaching out to you and no, just because this person broke up with you does not mean that they are narcissist, and it doesn’t mean that they are evil. Have you ever broken up with somebody?
If you haven’t, maybe you haven’t been in enough relationships. But sometimes, good people who are caring and not narcissists will actually think that maybe this relationship is not best for them, and that maybe the two of you aren’t good together, or their attraction for you just falls. They have to be honest and even you will be in a situation where you feel like you want to breakup with someone doesn’t make you a bad person.
(Music) (Music) In this post, I’m going to talk to you about if no contact will work if you’ve been in a short-term relationship that has recently ended. Take a second and click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to your situation and that includes breakups, marriage, relationship dynamics and attraction. So, a lot of my calls are from people who have been in what we would call short term relationships.
Usually that would be something like six months or less, and they wonder if there’s been enough time invested by each party in the relationship in order for no contact to work, and so, the real question is, will your absence be felt enough for no contact to work. As far as getting this other person to see your absence, to take note of it, to decide they don’t want it that they want you in their lives and basically if cold turkey will cause them to miss you. By cold turkey, I mean stopping contact completely right away instead of gradually and slowly weaning yourselves off, of contact. The short answer is yes, the no contact can work with short-term relationships.
The real key here is not necessarily the time that the relationship lasted, or the time that has passed so far while you two have been in the relationship together, but how the other person felt about you, how they felt about the future with you in it, and how they felt about the moments with you. What’s also included in there is the speed in which the relationship moved, and that’s not necessarily the way in which you’re thinking. Sometimes, if the relationship moved too quickly, it can have a negative effect. However, sometimes if it moved too quickly, it can have a positive effect, and let me explain that just for a minute.
So, sometime if the relationship moved too quickly and by too quickly, I mean it was artificial, that you were saying things to them because you wanted it to be true. Because you really liked the idea of these things being true as far as I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’ve never felt this way before. Saying those kinds of things sometimes, we want to say them. We want to have that feeling, we like the idea of that feeling and so people say it too soon, before it has actually happened, and that can be a negative thing. Especially if the other person feels that, it’s too soon, even if they go along with it.
Sometimes they can look back and say I said this too soon. The other person said this too soon and so, it feels artificial, and a lot of times, even if there’s a good relationship there and there’s just some artificial things in there. Some artificial emotions have been expressed or they have happened so quickly that they seem artificial.
Even if there’s a good relationship amongst that and there certainly can be, but that can cause the other person to feel that it’s not real, and that’s often times, the reason for a short-term relationship to breakup. Is that one person feels it’s not real, that it’s just artificial, that the other person is even maybe fake and acting a little bit and in love with the idea of being in love and not the person. So, that’s why there are dangers in saying I love you too soon.
You know if this is your second or third date, don’t say I love you. Even if you feel it, feel it for a time before you say it. And then it shouldn’t just be something that, you jump into and say it all over a sudden now, every phone call, every text, every day ends with an I love you.
That takes times that should take time to develop as well in a natural relationship. You can feel it without saying it and you should because you want to make sure that feeling lasts. That it’s not just a temporary emotion but that it’s actually a feeling that is connected to a decision and to commitment, and to knowing, and to time. Because time creates a lot of attachment, which brings me back to short-term relationships and no contact. Now, if the relationship moved quickly for both people, and even if there were some artificial premature things that have been said, they can be helpful because that usually means there’s a lot of intensity and so the person can be affected by no contact because that intensity is not there anymore.
That passion is not here anymore, and so, that’s kind of the best case scenario is that in a short-time relationship, if things were beyond the time as far as the strength, the depth of the relationship. Then obviously, that’s a good thing. The big key here is, was the relationship itself enough that the other person can be affected? Because if the idea that you will not contact them that maybe they have lost you by breaking up with you and that you were moving on affects them enough. Then yes, no contact can be effective in a short-term relationship, and that assumes of course that you do the right things.
Sometimes you’re not gonna do them right away because you don’t know. Maybe you’re just now finding some of my content here on YouTube, or maybe you’re just now finding my website MyExBackCoach.com and my emergency breakup kit that’s at myexbackcoach.com and there’s a link to that in the description below this post. If you’ve just found that, and found this content, then maybe you’re just now realizing that you shouldn’t have begged and pleaded after the breakup. That you shouldn’t have as one person said I thought that texting them every day have a good day, I love you, was a way to keep them remembering me, and to keep myself in front of them.
So that they would want to get back together, but the opposite is true because in order for them to want you back, they have to feel that they’ve lost you in the first place, and usually the person who does the dumping, does not feel loss. They feel control and that’s very important because human beings will fight 10 times as hard to get back what they feel they have lost. We will go after something if we feel like we had it and then we lost it. We will go back after it to reclaim it. That is so key as far as knowing this bit of human behavior.
So, they have to feel and by they, I mean the person who broke up with you has to feel the loss and your answer is in that. If the relationship was enough, that they will feel loss from it when you don’t chase, when you give them the breakup instead of begging and pleading and contacting them and fighting for the relationship. If they can feel loss from it, then yes, no contact can work and I am more surprised when it doesn’t work.
So, that’s the real question. It’s not whether the relationship was three months or three years. It’s will the other person feel the loss if you back away? The only way to know that is to back away and at that point too if they can look into the future as best as they can see it, as best they can project it, and think toward the future. If they can look into the future and see that, they would like for you to be in it.
Even if there were some difficulties in the relationship and it was short-term, that’s a positive as well. Now, one caveat to this is that, you don’t have as long in no contact and yes, I know there are coaches out there who say that no contact is permanent. But that’s not practical, because there are hurdles to the other person reaching out to you and no, just because this person broke up with you does not mean that they are narcissist, and it doesn’t mean that they are evil. Have you ever broken up with somebody?
If you haven’t, maybe you haven’t been in enough relationships. But sometimes, good people who are caring and not narcissists will actually think that maybe this relationship is not best for them, and that maybe the two of you aren’t good together, or their attraction for you just falls. They have to be honest and even you will be in a situation where you feel like you want to breakup with someone doesn’t make you a bad person.
Feels like you’re right now, feels like they are heartless and cold. I know that pain and I’m sorry you’re in that pain. But I hope it’s encouraging to you to know that this person does have a heart, that they do care most likely. Now, if they are narcissists, trust me I do know they exist and they are horrible to deal with. I know some, a true narcissist believes they are entitled to things they have not earned.
They’re entitled to your work, to your money, to what you have done. They are entitled to you continually treating them with love, adoration, and affection, and they will manipulate you in order to get that, and they will see that as weakness even, and they will use you. But a person can be a little bit spoilt, a little bit immature, and not be a narcissist. The real key here is if they can see a future with you during the time when you’re absent, during the time when you are giving them the breakup.
If they can look forward and say, you know a future could work with this person. Maybe I was wrong because I am missing them. That’s the power and as I was just getting to no contact has a smaller window because you don’t have as much leverage and yes, some people say no contact is permanent. But there are hurdles to them getting back together with you, if they think that you’re mad at them, they think that you will reject them.
If they don’t know what to say, if it’s awkward. Sometimes, people will contact me and they’ll say, I’m really frustrated because my ex is contacting me, but we’re not back together and I’ll say well, what have they said and they’ll describe what’s being said and I talk about this in my emergency breakup kit. That sometimes, you have to be able to read between the lines because it’s very unlikely your ex will just reach out and say I was wrong, I miss you, I want to get back together.
A lot of times that’s an awkward thing for people, they don’t know what to say. Sometimes, they just do not know what to say and they’re hoping that you’ll kind of figure it out, and so, yes, at some point you can reach out again. There comes a point when you lose nothing doing that and I would certainly say that it’s a lot longer than a lot of people think. The 30 day no contact rule in my opinion is a myth because it’s not necessarily based on time. It’s a general guideline, usually 30 days is not enough even in a short term relationship.
My minimum is a month and a half. Though there have been circumstances where I’ve told people give it a month, and you might want to reach out to them again, and yes they may not respond well but at least you know, but I have seen in the, at this point nearly 18 years of doing this. I have seen people reach out after a period of no contact, and it be effective, and yes, they are still together and a lot of them even get married.
I go over when no contact should be broken in my emergency breakup kit. I also have some posts on it, and while yes, in principle I believe that the ball is in their court for them to reach out and they should be the once to do it. I have also spoken with enough people who have done the dumping and they themselves are in a panic, they themselves are hurting, and emotional, and anxious because they don’t know what to do to get their ex back, and they regret their decision, and I’ll say well, have you reached out to them? No, and a lot of times, they will even say, I don’t have a clue what to say. So, after a certain amount of time and usually I will say a month and a half is a good rule of thumb that you don’t reach out to them, certainly doesn’t mean that you ignore them, and I have a post on that as well.
But when they reach out and you interact with them if you have stayed away from them, that’s likely why they’re reaching out. But also, if you reach out to them after you have stayed away from them, then they are more receptive. A lot of times they are happy to hear from you and you have showed that you can stay away from them.
You have showed that you could move on. You’ve showed that you can handle the situation maturely, that you can give them space and you have allowed them to feel your absence and to miss you. All of the things that in the majority of cases will have them reaching out to you. But even if they don’t, and I have a post that’s called did no contact fail if my ex has not reached out to me?
The answer not necessarily, if they miss you, and they have seen that you can stay away, and they’re concerned that you might be moving on but they haven’t reached out for whatever reason. Maybe they’re still unsure to some degree. Maybe they don’t know what to say because it feels awkward, they don’t know if you’ll reject them.
Nothing is wrong with you opening that door, with you just reaching out and there are ways to do that that I talk about in my emergency breakup kit and in other posts and it does not make you look weak. It doesn’t make you look needy or give away some of your power because odds are if it’s been more than a month and a half usually though, I would say try to give it two to three months if possible. But some people just can’t do it and if it’s a short-term relationship, a month and a half is really all you need to do because you don’t have the leverage to have a lot of time.
They will be able to move on to a degree because they begin to get used to you not being there and they reprogram themselves so to speak, and so, reaching out you have nothing to lose. They’re probably gonna be happy to hear from you, if not, at least you know. But I have seen relationships get back together where no contact has been broken.
Especially with shorter term relationships you don’t have as long, and so, if that a month and a half goes by, then reaching out in a way that is casual, you’re not asking for an awkward talk, you’re not saying hey, I wanna get back together. And I do go over how to reach out in some other posts and in my emergency breakup kit. That can be effective and at least getting some progress, getting some dialogue, letting them know that maybe you are not gonna reject them, and maybe you are interested maybe in a future.
We don’t have to have the other person 100% sure that they want to get back together with you. We just have to have some doubt about breaking up with you, that maybe that was the wrong thing. We have to have them missing you to a degree and thinking that it’s possible that it could work.
That’s really all we need, we don’t have to have absolutes and you can make progress with positive interactions, with you being attractive again, re-attracting them, and not trying to force the label yet, but acting like in some ways it’s your first date with them again. That you’re going to start over, that you’re gonna re-attract them, you gonna focus on the moment, you’re not gonna talk about the future, getting back together, or the breakup. You’re going to focus on the moment, being their lover, re-attracting them, showing some interest in some strong confident ways and not in a needy or weak way. So, if you have been in a short-term relationship, and you’ve been broken up with, I will tell you to apply the no contact rule. It can be successful.
It is often successful, most often in fact, successful in the majority of cases. But there is a shorter window and your odds are slightly less than if it’s a relationship that is longer. That six-month mark definitely seems to have some indications of being a turning point as far as the seriousness of a relationship and the odds being higher of getting this other person back. However, no contact is still strong if the other person misses you in the relationship. So, remember that if you’re thinking of applying the no contact rule, if you’ve been broken up with from a short-term relationship being six months or less.
Usually the weaker would be below four months, that’s when it’s the most difficult but even then it still works in the majority of situations if the relationship was solid, and some people would say well, if the relationship was solid there wouldn’t be a breakup. Not true, it can be a good relationship, and sometimes people can just over analyze they can project into the future in ways that are silly and unrealistic and they don’t even realize it until they lose you, and then they start to see what a good thing they lost. So, sometimes people breakup with you and it’s a mistake. Probably doesn’t surprise you. But a lot of times people will get in their own way and be silly and realize it later.
So, yes, a good relationship can lead in a breakup, but those good relationships are the ones that have the best chance of getting back together. Get more information about my emergency breakup kit in the link in the description below or you can go to MyExBackCoach.com and you can also schedule a coaching call with me. This has been Coach Lee with MyExBackCoach.com. Thank you for watching. (Music) (Music) (Music)