Remember to subscribe, for daily top reddit stories. Okay storytime… Anyone, what are some stories you have wanted to tell people but haven’t had the right askreddit question to answer?
At my high school orientation, the principal was giving a speech about road safety for pedestrians, and he said, and I quote, “In my time here, I’ve seen 3 kids hit by cars, and that’s 1 too many”. My aunt’s African Grey parrot talked incessantly, but mostly used cuss words and phrases her first husband taught it.She’d say something to it like “How’s Mr. Peter Parrot today?” And he’d reply with various things, like “Stick it up your ass!” (or something worse).We never figured out why the parrot retained everything her former husband taught it, but nothing she said. My science teacher in eighth grade was talking to us about evolution and bed bugs (and how bed bugs evolved to become resistant to bug spray and whatnot.) Then he whips a petri dish from behind his back with live-ass bed bugs in it and proceeds to tell us we cannot under any circumstances tell the principal about this, because he’d get fired.Next thing you know, he sneezes REALLY hard and drops the fucking petri dish.
The bed bugs go EVERYWHERE, sliding across the floor.Then after we’d all finished screaming and freaking out, that little fucker proceeds to tell us that they’re not bed bugs. They’re sunflower seeds……….. My mother and her best friend, S, lost contact for about ten years. One morning, unannounced, S showed up at her door.
My mother was thrilled, they sat and had coffee, chatted for a couple hours.After a while S said: don’t you want to ask me something ? My mother was surprised and said: No… You look great… S said: yes I’m well. Mom said: I like your new haircut!
S said: yes… I shaved my head… My mother nodded, confused. S said: And I’m wearing sandals… and saffron… I’m a Buddhist nun?!My mother had not noticed.
One time I was at the store, buying party supplies for a Christmas Eve party. You can imagine the store was packed because it was Christmas time. I hate crowded stores.One thing I had to get for my mom was a pack of ginger ale cans. I went to the self checkout and the sticker for the pack of cans was on the top of the pack.
I awkwardly rolled the pack over on the scanner to scan the barcode and a single can fell out onto the floor of the store.As it hit the ground a tiny hole busted open between the body of the can and the seam of the top of the can. A small pressurized stream of ginger ale was projecting out of the can as it began to roll away. Like a ginger ale sprinkler it rolled down the alley of self checkouts, misting all the Christmas eve shoppers with ginger ale as the clerk had to chase it down the queue of people waiting to checkout It was quite embarrassing.
There was a guy called Nathan that used to go to our school he was pretty chill but had this thing where he would slide down the stairs on a wet floor sign.One time he literally made a slip and slide by flooding the toilets until water flowed down the stairs and slid down on the wet floor sign. when i was little i wanted to watch pulp fiction because i thought it was a movie about oranges I was chasing someone that stole from the bottle shop (liquor store) I was working at, she was probably about 16 years old. As I chased her I was just about to catch her when she ran out into the road and got wiped out by a car.I kinda felt bad as I picked up the cans she dropped on the floor as she limped away. Ended up getting a phone call off the police asking if we had been robbed, I asked how he knew and he said someone called up claiming they had ran over someone fleeing the store. I just would like to humble brag about my grandfather. We always hear the sad stories of the Vietnam vets, but never the happy ones.In 66 he volunteered to avoid the draft, went in a helicopter mechanic and paratrooper.
Got the purple heart after a grenade hit, and returned home to try to start a life. Had 2 kids and worked at a store.He used his VA money to get a degree in forestry and farm/ranch stuff. He then moved the family out west to work for the forest service in montana until 1980. By then they had saved enough money to buy some land in Washington to build a log cabin, by themselves, where they still lives.He bounced between forestry jobs and had the opportunity to work and travel in 9 countries and 40 states.
He tried to retire at 55 but was offered a job the next day that he couldn’t refuse. At 74 he is still working a few days a week, but is slowing that part of life down due recently having his 4th heart attack.The man is a bad ass and has inspired me to follow his footsteps in forestry. My dad almost got snatched up by serial killer Bob Berdella. My dad missed the bus and was walking to school when Bob pulled up and asked if my dad wanted a ride. His dumbass was about to get in when he saw gay porno mags on the floor so he noped out thank God.
When he saw the guy finally get caught on TV he recognized it was him. This story involves my name, so I’ll use the obvious alias John Doe.I’m a man who has gone by my last name since I was 13. This one cute girl started calling me “Doe” and I just ran with it and it stuck for life.In my senior year of college, I was telling my best friend a story about a call I had with my mom, and, imitating her, I quoted her as saying “‘John’ blah blah blah.” He asked me who John was.Apparently my best friend in college thought my name was “Doe Doe” for over three years……. my friend and i were in welding class and i filled up a small trash bag with oxy/acetylene mix when he wasn’t looking and set it off behind him . Big bang, big laugh. haha. yeah well apparently i shouldn’t of showed this to my friend because the next day this fucking idiot friend of mine found a small crack/hole about the size of a quarter in the cinder block wall in our class, stuck his unlit torch in there and just pumped gas wide open inside. After a while, he gets my attention, goes “watch this” , pulls his striker from his pocket and lights it right next to the hole in the wall. FUCKING BOOOOOOM.
This kid blew a 5 foot hole clean into the other classroom. Well over a decade ago before I could drive I was in the car with my grandma at a red light. Across the street was a Jack In the Box and i could see the parking lot.A sedan drives up (like a late 90s Toyota Corolla) and stops. A man in a white gown, like a baptismal gown, gets out and goes to the trunk. He opens it and another man in the same gown gets out.
They switch spots. The man that was in the trunk goes and sits in the driver seat, then the light turns green and we drive off. Back when schools did not have wifi, (it still has not even this time third world country) i downloaded a massive amount of porn and hentai.
I hid it in the desktop using the hide feature and became a porn kingpin in school. So basically i passed porn and hentai files through bluetooth and ask money for it. EZ lunch money.
Never caught either. I was once riding in a bus on public transport and my wallet fell out of my pocket without me noticing. The wallet was found by the bus driver, which looked at my public transport card and called the head office to get my phone number.
He then told me to pick up the wallet a couple hours later, when he was at the same bus station again.I love Switzerland. Advice from a friend that really helped me take a step back and rethink things. I get a lot of advice from her, as she is my best friends girlfriend and one of my longest friends.Often I will say things like “You don’t like steak?
Remember to subscribe, for daily top reddit stories. Okay storytime… Anyone, what are some stories you have wanted to tell people but haven’t had the right askreddit question to answer?
At my high school orientation, the principal was giving a speech about road safety for pedestrians, and he said, and I quote, “In my time here, I’ve seen 3 kids hit by cars, and that’s 1 too many”. My aunt’s African Grey parrot talked incessantly, but mostly used cuss words and phrases her first husband taught it.She’d say something to it like “How’s Mr. Peter Parrot today?” And he’d reply with various things, like “Stick it up your ass!” (or something worse).We never figured out why the parrot retained everything her former husband taught it, but nothing she said. My science teacher in eighth grade was talking to us about evolution and bed bugs (and how bed bugs evolved to become resistant to bug spray and whatnot.) Then he whips a petri dish from behind his back with live-ass bed bugs in it and proceeds to tell us we cannot under any circumstances tell the principal about this, because he’d get fired.Next thing you know, he sneezes REALLY hard and drops the fucking petri dish.
The bed bugs go EVERYWHERE, sliding across the floor.Then after we’d all finished screaming and freaking out, that little fucker proceeds to tell us that they’re not bed bugs. They’re sunflower seeds……….. My mother and her best friend, S, lost contact for about ten years. One morning, unannounced, S showed up at her door.
My mother was thrilled, they sat and had coffee, chatted for a couple hours.After a while S said: don’t you want to ask me something ? My mother was surprised and said: No… You look great… S said: yes I’m well. Mom said: I like your new haircut!
S said: yes… I shaved my head… My mother nodded, confused. S said: And I’m wearing sandals… and saffron… I’m a Buddhist nun?!My mother had not noticed.
One time I was at the store, buying party supplies for a Christmas Eve party. You can imagine the store was packed because it was Christmas time. I hate crowded stores.One thing I had to get for my mom was a pack of ginger ale cans. I went to the self checkout and the sticker for the pack of cans was on the top of the pack.
I awkwardly rolled the pack over on the scanner to scan the barcode and a single can fell out onto the floor of the store.As it hit the ground a tiny hole busted open between the body of the can and the seam of the top of the can. A small pressurized stream of ginger ale was projecting out of the can as it began to roll away. Like a ginger ale sprinkler it rolled down the alley of self checkouts, misting all the Christmas eve shoppers with ginger ale as the clerk had to chase it down the queue of people waiting to checkout It was quite embarrassing.
There was a guy called Nathan that used to go to our school he was pretty chill but had this thing where he would slide down the stairs on a wet floor sign.One time he literally made a slip and slide by flooding the toilets until water flowed down the stairs and slid down on the wet floor sign. when i was little i wanted to watch pulp fiction because i thought it was a movie about oranges I was chasing someone that stole from the bottle shop (liquor store) I was working at, she was probably about 16 years old. As I chased her I was just about to catch her when she ran out into the road and got wiped out by a car.I kinda felt bad as I picked up the cans she dropped on the floor as she limped away. Ended up getting a phone call off the police asking if we had been robbed, I asked how he knew and he said someone called up claiming they had ran over someone fleeing the store. I just would like to humble brag about my grandfather. We always hear the sad stories of the Vietnam vets, but never the happy ones.In 66 he volunteered to avoid the draft, went in a helicopter mechanic and paratrooper.
Got the purple heart after a grenade hit, and returned home to try to start a life. Had 2 kids and worked at a store.He used his VA money to get a degree in forestry and farm/ranch stuff. He then moved the family out west to work for the forest service in montana until 1980. By then they had saved enough money to buy some land in Washington to build a log cabin, by themselves, where they still lives.He bounced between forestry jobs and had the opportunity to work and travel in 9 countries and 40 states.
He tried to retire at 55 but was offered a job the next day that he couldn’t refuse. At 74 he is still working a few days a week, but is slowing that part of life down due recently having his 4th heart attack.The man is a bad ass and has inspired me to follow his footsteps in forestry. My dad almost got snatched up by serial killer Bob Berdella. My dad missed the bus and was walking to school when Bob pulled up and asked if my dad wanted a ride. His dumbass was about to get in when he saw gay porno mags on the floor so he noped out thank God.
When he saw the guy finally get caught on TV he recognized it was him. This story involves my name, so I’ll use the obvious alias John Doe.I’m a man who has gone by my last name since I was 13. This one cute girl started calling me “Doe” and I just ran with it and it stuck for life.In my senior year of college, I was telling my best friend a story about a call I had with my mom, and, imitating her, I quoted her as saying “‘John’ blah blah blah.” He asked me who John was.Apparently my best friend in college thought my name was “Doe Doe” for over three years……. my friend and i were in welding class and i filled up a small trash bag with oxy/acetylene mix when he wasn’t looking and set it off behind him . Big bang, big laugh. haha. yeah well apparently i shouldn’t of showed this to my friend because the next day this fucking idiot friend of mine found a small crack/hole about the size of a quarter in the cinder block wall in our class, stuck his unlit torch in there and just pumped gas wide open inside. After a while, he gets my attention, goes “watch this” , pulls his striker from his pocket and lights it right next to the hole in the wall. FUCKING BOOOOOOM.
This kid blew a 5 foot hole clean into the other classroom. Well over a decade ago before I could drive I was in the car with my grandma at a red light. Across the street was a Jack In the Box and i could see the parking lot.A sedan drives up (like a late 90s Toyota Corolla) and stops. A man in a white gown, like a baptismal gown, gets out and goes to the trunk. He opens it and another man in the same gown gets out.
They switch spots. The man that was in the trunk goes and sits in the driver seat, then the light turns green and we drive off. Back when schools did not have wifi, (it still has not even this time third world country) i downloaded a massive amount of porn and hentai.
I hid it in the desktop using the hide feature and became a porn kingpin in school. So basically i passed porn and hentai files through bluetooth and ask money for it. EZ lunch money.
Never caught either. I was once riding in a bus on public transport and my wallet fell out of my pocket without me noticing. The wallet was found by the bus driver, which looked at my public transport card and called the head office to get my phone number.
He then told me to pick up the wallet a couple hours later, when he was at the same bus station again.I love Switzerland. Advice from a friend that really helped me take a step back and rethink things. I get a lot of advice from her, as she is my best friends girlfriend and one of my longest friends.Often I will say things like “You don’t like steak?
I knew there’s a reason we wouldn’t work out as a couple.” The other night I was talking to her while we ate dinner. She saw that I was eating the dark meat from a rotisserie chicken and said how she preferred the white meat. I again made the joke “I knew there was a reason we wouldn’t work out”. She said “You say that but I think that just means that you can eat the dark meat, I can eat the white, and together we just eat a whole chicken.” Obviously she wasn’t trying to give me life altering advice at that moment, but it made me realize that maybe I had been looking at relationships the wrong way.
The vapor rub story: So I had a fever and was sick, laying around waiting for it to stop or kill me already. I was watching Homicide Hunter, and Kenda was describing how he used vapor rub to mask the smell of homicide victims at crime scenes. At this point I’m really not well so I go to get cough syrup out of the medicine cabinet.
That’s when I see the blue jar of vapor rub. I absolutely lost it. I’m freaking out trying to figure out who put the dead people salve in my cabinet.
Why is here? Who put it there? Is this a threat? Am I going to be dealing with murder victims soon???
My boyfriend gets home and I am crying. He’s panicking, asking what’s wrong? I start screaming that I don’t want to be a homicide detective while pointing at a innocuous blue jar!
We end up going to the ER and I had a 104 fever. Also, I was the one who bought the vapor rub. A few years ago, Monk and Psych were popular-ish shows.
These shows were about detectives who used their attention to detail to assess crime scenes/detect lies from suspects, and thereby solve crimes. I watched these shows a bunch, and once when I was on a bus home I was thinking, I’m a smart guy I could probably do that (or learn to do that).So I’m looking at the person across from me, silently trying to deduce stuff. I see he’s reading a newsletter from an Islamic cultural center, so maybe he’s Muslim. But it’s from a few days ago, maybe he’s just reading something to pass the time on the bus…At this very moment (without me saying anything) that guy I was looking at turned to the guy to his right, and said “You’re a cop, aren’t you?”. The neighbor guy says yeah, how’d you know?
First guy says, I can just tell.It was then I realized that no, I for sure CANNOT do that detective stuff. My friend Ben rode to and from High school with me every day. Every day, like clockwork, we saw the same guy drive past us on the same road.
He drove an old Chevy truck, prob an 80’s model with a single cab. He always had his dog, this German shepherd, who would be sitting in the passenger seat.One day, coming home from school, we passed the guy, but when I looked, the dog was in the drivers seat, and the guy was riding shotgun. I turned to Ben and he immediately said, “yeah what the fuck? You saw that too??” Imagination? Brain fart?
I don’t know. But I swear I saw that dog driving. The time I lured and killed a moth (accidentally).Dusk. A moth with beautiful markings is flying wildly in my room.
I’m annoyed and a little scared that it’s going to swoop into my hair. I switch off the light. I go to the guest room and switch on the light.
Wait. Sure enough, the moth follows. I plan to shut the door behind me and trap the moth in the guest room so that it doesn’t disturb me.What I didn’t reckon for is the ceiling fan I’d just switched on. The blades turn with a slowly increasing frequency.
The moth flies right into them. It’s thrown to the bed, hovers, injured and finally drops into the chasm between the bed and the wall. Horrified, I look down and see it fluttering weakly. I can’t reach it because the way is blocked. I switch off the light and leave, forever changed.
When I was 11 or 12 I don’t remember, me and my 3 other siblings went to the beach to go swimming. My father had brought with us a woman from work, we all had a pretty good time. But on the ride home my dad told me ” tell your stepmom I’m going back to work and I’ll be back later”. So when we get to his house I’m playing pokemon yellow (my favorite pokemon game) and my stepmom asks me “where my dad is?”.
I subconsciously say “he is taking a woman from work home” oh my god I have never seen someone get so angry and run out of the house so fast. My dad later blamed me for his divorce and that was close to one of the last times I saw him. He was an ass and deep down inside i knew what i was doing, he cheated on my mom and on his second wife. I promised never to be like him at all.
I think I’m living up to that. I farted into a harmonica in 2011 this was when i was in Primary 2 (about 8 year old) recess was almost ending, my friend wanted to go to the bathroom to change to his PE outfit so i tagged along with him. we entered a cubicle and he gets changed while i wait.then a group of six Primary 6 kids (12 year old) and a teacher came in the bathroom and started banging the cubicle walls and door. they also tried to grab our feet and splash water from the top of the cubicle. it was terrifying.after my friend was done changing we opened the cubicle door and were greeted with angry faces staring at us.ive no idea why they did this, what their purpose was and why the teacher ordered and allowed them to do that. whats crazy is that that teacher became my form teacher in primary 5 and 6. he didn’t know i was the kid and i didn’t wish to bring the incident up When i was a kid there was a guy sat behind me in school and he was holding on to my arm and pulling it backwards (from like over my head, so i had my elbow in the air) and i was trying to pull back to get my arm free. Well i had a pencil in the hand he was pulling backwards and my other hand on my desk, when he let go i stabbed myself on my left hand and the tip of the pencil broke and the lead from it is still inside my palm about 22 years later.
You can still see the black dot inside my palm. I was about 4.There was a bottle of super glue on the counter and I reached for, rubbed it on my hands then rubbed my eye. It was then that my eye was super glued closed. It dried quickly so when I got taken to hospital they had to cut it off as to not hurt me.Ever since then, nothing like super glue was left open or in my reach Edit: I have just been informed by my mother when I reminded her of this that there is a picture of me somewhere with my eye glued shut. Apparently I looked like a burn victim I’m late to the thread but i never got to hear my father’s final words.
I went to the hospital and all but i was ordered to go home and sleep because i was too tired and had school the next day. My mother would not even let me in the hospital room near him.Anyways , i go home and sleep and 7 hours later i wake up to the phone ringing and my mother saying: “Son, i don’t know how to say this to you so I’m going to tell you straight. Your father is dead. He died 2 hours ago”.
I spend the next 2 hours crying before i even got out of bed.I remember my mom talking to her friends about how my dad had the biggest smile when he was dead for he was going to heaven and how on the way out of the hospital, she saw a rose blossom.I still feel guilty to this day about not being at hospital to see my father for the last time and going to sleep instead…… I was feeling cheesy today thinking about my boyfriend. Maybe I can get out the gooey shit here.We met while in college, mutually working a shitty retail job. I was super aware of him for a while but we never spoke. One day I buy a slushy through the self-checkout while he was running the lanes, and he asked where my name badge was.Later by coincidence we wind up in the break room together and we talked about manga and I realized “holy shit I like this dude”.
I left break giddy and here he comes running to catch up to ask me what my name is. Then a couple days later he strolls by my department all casual and asks me for my number and pulls a pen from behind his ear and jots it in a little memo book like a dork.We’ve been together almost six years now, and he bought me a puppy last Christmas. He’s so the one and I’m gonna husband the shit out of him one day.
Thanks, slushy. I have this Great Uncle (we’re pretty close) who has some mad stories. Including but not limited to:Sailing across the Irish sea from Northern Ireland to Scotland in a bathtub with an outboard motor fitted (enough said) .Doing a handstand on a sketchy rope bridge over the sea on the North Coast or Northern Ireland (called ‘Carrick A Rede’) Bearing in mind that these are pretty recent, so when he was in his mid to late 60s.Bloody legend.